Two Down, A Year To Go

I can’t masturbate forever. Well I can, but I can’t make it my career. My life has been amazing over the last 2 years – I’ve been happy. I’ve had a lot of fun. But it occurred to me that I never did a Masters at University. I always intended to, but life (my daughter) happened, and it hasn’t been an option up until now.

I realised that because of camming, I can now afford to go back to University. I don’t want to be like the guy who bartends for his whole life because it is too much fun, and he doesn’t want to grow up. I have so many things that I want to do with my life. I’m also intensely aware of the sacrifice I have made with regards to my love life. To put it bluntly, these last 2 years have destroyed my love life. I’ve continued regardless, because I have been consciously prioritising making an income and supporting myself and my daughter. I’ve been squirreling away my income in an effort to provide financial stability for us in the future. Now I’m ready to think about that future.

So next year I will be going back to Uni to continue my education. Hopefully, by the time I have finished, I will be more highly regarded by the job market (In comparison to the single mum who had been out of work for a few years while looking after a baby, and whose need to find emplpoyment coincided with a massive recession). I don’t know about camming and studying at the same time. I keep debating it in my head. I want to concentrate on studying, but I will still need down time. I enjoy having down time on MFC. I enjoy my evenings drinking wine and sharing banter with a bunch of random people from around the world (and masturbating, naturally). But I also know that if I want to find someone special, then I will need to quit MyFreeCams so that I have a gap in my life for him.

Don’t panic! I still need to move house, and I am too late in my application to begin studying this September. I also need to save more, so that I can afford to take a year off. You have me for another year!!

Oo and I made a new video. Myfreecams disconnected me today, and wouldn’t let me log back on. God knows why – to be honest, I’m constantly amazed at the wonders of the internet and how much I am able to stream myself live as it is, so being kicked off for a day isn’t a big deal. I was bored. I made a new video with all sorts of toys stuck in various holes and then mixed around!
I shall leave you there, with that thought!
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The Risk in Change

It has been nearly two years since I became a Web Cam Model for Myfreecams.com. As far as job satisfaction goes, I think camming rates pretty high, and I’m not referring to the orgasms!

Being self-employed means that you set your own targets. If you are a motivated person, you push those targets. I think everyone has had a mind-numbing job some time in their life, where they work for minimum wage doing something unbelievably repetitive, while they watch the clock, in a desperate effort not to fall asleep…Camming can be really hard and intense work, but if you don’t try, you don’t make any money; If you look bored and tired, nobody is going to get turned on enough to tip you.

When I first started camming, I would aim to make 1000tk in an evening, which would usually be about 3 hours online. I was happy, because it was enough to get me off benefits, and I was confident that I could achieve this target most nights. Then my daughter started school and I had the freedom to work during the day. It turns out that my English daytime is very late night in America, and evening in Australia and New Zealand. The expression “It’s 5 O’clock somewhere” should really be inscribed above my bed! I started pushing my targets up to 1500tk in 3 hours. Then I tried to see how much I could make in 4 hours. Like any job, I have good days and bad days, but over all, my monthly income has been pretty predictable, possibly because I usually have the flexibility to work a little bit longer, if it has been a slow day.

I’ve built up regular viewers, a fairly extensive collection of videos, and (i’m not sure if I should be advertising this) my personal daily target is currently 6000tk.

You can imagine, I hope, that I was a little nervous when one of my regular viewers tipped very well in an effort to make me shave my pubic hair off, as I hadn’t shaved for over 6 years. To me, it’s just hair. I loved my bush, but it is just hair when it comes down to it. The only reason I hadn’t shaved before, is because of my serious distaste for stubble and shaving rash. The reason I was nervous, is because I had spent 2 years building up regulars who knew me as the girl with the bush. I was one of very few girls in the online porn industry who had pubic hair, and I was concerned about loosing my regulars, my niche market, and having to start again.

It turned out nobody really cared. My income neither went down nor up. A lot of people commented that they either liked it more or that they prefered it before, but they didn’t stop watching or tipping me. I definitely have more viewers now, but it hasn’t changed my income. I find this interesting, because I have a friend, another model on MFC, who regularly has much fewer viewers then me, but always makes a much higher income then me.

I was feeling rather cocky, but still really struggling with the fact that I now had to spend 10 minutes of my life every single day, straddling my bathroom sink (if only I had a bday), taking a razor to my morning stubble. It was horrific! I liked the soft bald outcome, but I resented the fact that I had become a high maintenance woman. I’m a little impulsive and I have an extreme tendency to go for all or nothing. It’s the part of my character that meant that it took me all of 2 seconds to decide to become a Web Cam Model (2 seconds after someone told me what a Web Cam Model was). So with my little impulsive angel sitting on my shoulder, I put it out there for my viewers to vote for me to either grow my bush back, or to lazer it; permanently killing the hair follicles. I think I got a kick out of not making the decision myself and putting it out there for the Universe to decide. It was a risk I was of course up for, and it was decided.
That particularly keen regular viewer who likes to make me run around my garden naked, yet again took the financial reigns, and indirectly made me lazer my vagina.

I’ve had a couple of complaints. People sometimes forget that it’s my vagina and I can do what I want, but generally the guys seem to think that it is a positive move. I certainly do. I like it bald and soft and wet and strokable. I’ve had sex once since I de-haired myself, and it was great! He licked me for a lot longer then guys usually lick, and I call that a very clear positive result!
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Hair today, Gone Tomorrow

Being a model on Myfreecams.com is all about room management. You can’t just log in and do a show and expect to make an income from it. Absolutely everyone can come and watch you, regardless of whether they have any money or not, and its up to you to give them a reason to tip you and not the other naked girl on the next screen. For example, I could set a target to take my bra off. Everyone can chip in, or one person could just get bored of waiting and tip the whole amount. There are days when I make a lot of money, and there are days when I hardly make any. When there is a football game on, nobody comes into my room, and if they are in my room, they aren’t paying attention.

The problem with setting a target for everyone has to chip in on, is that guys have to feel that if they chuck in their 20 tokens, the other guys will do the same. Often, it only takes one or two guys to tip, and everyone else suddenly decides to join in. However, if nobody takes the risk on being the first tipper, then the room can feel quiet, and people leave. When people leave and I have fewer people to talk to, I struggle to be entertaining, and then more people leave. It’s an erosive cycle.

So my job is to manage the tips. When nobody is tipping, I offer discounts to try and keep the flow going. I can offer discounts on videos or privileges such as being on my firends list (which means you can talk to me privately, rather then in the public forum). Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t. It’s just the nature of the game.

I’d had a few really bad days, and I was trying to think of reasons to give the guys to tip. I decided to put my bush beautiful bush up for the vote. I told my viewers that it would 50tk to vote, and they could vote as many times as you wanted. They could vote to Save it or Shave it. I knew this would be a risk as I have done bush votes before, but although there were people voting on both sides, my regulars have always saved my bush.

I told my guys that the first team to get 100 votes would win. Two days later, I had 6 votes – 4 to save it and 2 to shave it. This was a ridiculously poor effort, and I was wondering wether there was another factor…The 8th of the month isn’t usually a really “poor” time for guys – that is usually the end of the month. There were plenty of people in my room, but they didn’t seem that interested. Maybe they thought that I would probably never shave my bush, so there was no point in voting….

Then SpurtySpurt waltzed in. He has been a regular for about a year. He’s responsible for many big tips to make me run around my garden naked, or do a handstand in my bedroom with my dildo shoved up my vagina, running on maximum vibration, while I try to stay upside down for long enough to beat my previous record (2 minutes 14 seconds.)

SpurtySpurt likes to wind me up. He likes to take control of the show and put my toys on max until I am just about to orgasm, before making me stop in my tracks. Meanwhile, I have his camera turned on and I have to watch him sitting there laughing hysterically at me. He is cruel and mean in the most lovely silly and adorable way. Its a love hate relationship! I knew what he was thinking as soon as he came in the room. I think I probably had my head in my hands as he tipped 5000tk, and singlehandedly ended the voting. I took my laptop downstairs and perched myself on the edge of my bathroom sink. About 600 guys watched me take a razor to my vagina for the 1st time in 6 years, and I just kept shaking my head at myself for allowing it all to happen.

And now it’s gone. It’s all gone, and I feel a whole lot more naked on camera. It is just hair, and it will grow back whenever I choose, so I’m not too bothered, but I do laugh every time I look down at myself.

Next month I will do another vote. I will do it for a week and we shall see what the guys prefer. My observation just since yesterday is that I generally have more people in my room. That doesn’t necessarily mean that I will make more income, but we shall see. Very few girls on the internet have pubic hair, and it is because most guys prefer to see no hair. However I have a base of regulars who like me, and I will have to see how this changes things for them. I feel slightly confident that they like me for me, hair or no hair, but I guess time will tell.
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Too Close To Home

I’ve been away for 3 weeks in Africa, spending my days lazing in the sun while reading “A Sea of Poppies” by the pool, diving through massive crystal blue waves in the ocean, animal spotting on safari, and cuddling up with Joss Stone in Swaziland (random!). It’s been good. Good food, wine and family. But as wonderful as it all was, it was lovely to come home and curl up in my own bed. It’s lovely to not have to constantly cover my body in suncream and deet. Those little bastards ate me alive, regardless of how careful I was. If they couldn’t get at an ankle, they ate my face. I guess I taste good…. ;)

My welcome home on MyFreeCams yesterday (I literally dumped my bags, stripped off and came on-line as soon as I could) was superb. I’m sure my ratings were helped by the thousands of guys off work due to the Bank holiday, spending their free hours wisely in front of the computer, watching me get my kit off! When I was away, I reverted back to my old routine of masturbating at night on my own. It’s my bedtime routine: I brush my teeth, tuck myself in, flick it, orgasm, and then sleep deeply. It’s like a little comfort thing that I do before I go to bed, but it’s nothing in comparison to masturbating with 1500 guys across the world watching you while wanking. I came quickly! I rarely come that quickly! So I went again, and again, and each time, my body couldn’t wait to explode. I was like a guy with premature ejaculation, with a clitoris clearly glad to be home too. My regular viewers hadn’t forgotten about me, which is always a concern when you take a big chunk of time off. There are thousands more girls on Myfreecams now, compared with when I began, almost 2 years ago. That’s thousands more girls I have to compete with, who had 3 weeks to distract my regulars. But hopefully I got away with it. Thanks guys! 

I was feeling pretty chuffed with myself and my great start back in the UK. So for the second day, I ignored my unpacking and my washing (still dumped on my bedroom floor looking desperate) and came back online.

Today wasn’t so good….There is a guy who came onto MFC a while ago and said that he recognised me from the climbing community. This is fine – I remember meeting him in person a year or so ago but nothing more. I mentally dealt with it quite quickly and easily. But today he told me that he’s going on a camping trip with a big group of people, and he thinks he might be going with my ex. I asked him to explain who exactly, and he described my daughter’s father. I think I could cope with just about anyone finding out about my work, but not so much my daughter’s father. I choose to tell people about my work, because they love me and don’t judge me. My daughter’s father doesn’t love me and will judge me. I care because he isn’t an ex who I never have to see again. He is an ex who has a big part in my life and a lot of power to make my life a lot harder.

Basically this is the part where my job comes to bite me in the arse.

I’ve tried to instill in this guy how important it is to me that he doesn’t say anything, but I’m feeling nervous about it regardless. It’s just all a little bit too close to home. I have spoken with a solicitor and a social worker before about my job, and they have both agreed that my job is legal, and although it isn’t child appropriate, it is fine because my daughter is oblivious. She thinks that I am a stay at home mum. So i’m not worried about my ex having any power over me legally, but there is so much more to it. Co-parenting is exceedingly complicated! 

But there is not much I can do about it now, so I shall just brace myself for the worst and hope that it doesn’t happen. 

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I’ve Seen You Online!

I was out at a party a week ago. My friend is off to travel the world with her boyfriend, and intended to have a big piss up before departure. There were a lot of people at the party who I didn’t know, all around my age, and predominantly guys. I was having fun and being flirtatious, while I sat in the sun and drank wine at a rate comparable to the rate the guys were drinking beer. I need to remember in future not to get involved in rounds, unless i’m drinking the same strength of drink as everyone else!

There was this guy, lets call him James. He was cute, a little on the skinny side, but with a quirky geeky-cool sense about him. He wasn’t there when I first arrived, so I was already slightly on the hyperactive side of my personality when I found myself sat next to him and nattering away. He told me that he was a web page designer, and he told me about a bunch of random sites he had designed in the past. A couple had asked him to make a site for them, and had asked him to check out a video which they wanted uploaded. They had called him on the phone to say they had sent it, and asked him to watch it while they waited on the phone. It was a sex video. He had a lot of random stories to tell. Then he told me he had designed a website for a webcam model…….

So far in the evening, I had been getting away with responding to the “what do you do” question with “I’m a professional online poker player”. When I say getting away with, I mean people were laughing at me and moving on, because they weren’t quite sure if I was being serious or not, but they didn’t have the guts to call me on it. But now, this guy James had put it in my lap. He was clearly open minded and non-judgmental, and had seen it all before. “I’m a webcam model!!” I said, expecting him to laugh in a “I don’t quite believe you” sort of way….

I didn’t need to convince him. “I know”, he said. “I’ve seen you online”, he said. “I’ve read your blog”, he said.

I put my hands on my suddenly flushed cheeks. I felt embarrassed for a moment and a half, and then I got over it. It was a funny coincidence. It’s the first time I have been recognised in the real world. I have had 2 people tell me on MyFreeCams that they knew me from here or there a few years ago, but never the other way round.

I guess I expected it to happen at some point, and actually I’m really surprised that it has taken so long. I wonder if anyone has recognised me in the past and not said anything, which would be a shame, because I felt rather excited at James knowing who I was. In that moment when I put my hands on my cheeks, I was realising that this guy sat next to me in a bar, who was friends with my friends, knew what I looked like naked. He had read my blog, and so knew a lot about me. He knew what I looked like when I orgasm…..It was naughty and sexy and exhilarating. 

So we had another drink and chatted about camming and websites. For the rest of the night, I kept wondering what he had seen. Did he only watch me once? Did he watch me regularly? How long did he watch me for? I didn’t ask. I think it was exciting not to know. Nothing happened between us – I know you were all waiting to find out! No, I’m so sorry to disappoint. We just flirted, and it was fun. We swapped phone numbers and he said he could help me with my profile if I wanted, which is great, because I am rubbish at that kind of thing. And that was that. Next time maybe, I will have to take advantage of my web fame a little bit more. I’m just dipping my toe in right now!

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Webcam Modeling Ethics

While I emotionally deal with yet another guy’s criticism for my being a mother and a Webcam Model, I have found myself questioning the ethics behind it. Am I a Webcam Model and a mother, because I have convinced myself that it is okay, or do I really honestly think that it is ethically right?

I had a meeting with a lawyer recently. My ex-partner isn’t happy because I want to move our daughter an hour away from him. I know this isn’t great for him, but I can’t spend my life revolving around wherever he wants to live. I have very good reasons for wanting to move, and I won’t be preventing him from seeing our daughter at all. He’s still planning to take me to court, so I booked a meeting. Between telling me that I definitely have the right to move an hour away and not to worry, we discussed the possibility of my job coming up, if this dispute did go to court. My Ex doesn’t know what I do, and I don’t want him to know either. I tell people who love me and don’t judge me. He doesn’t love me, he will judge me, and he will tell lots of people who don’t love me and who will judge me. I don’t need this in my life. Apparently it probably won’t come up in court, so I don’t really need to worry. However she said to me that what I am doing is legal and although it is not child appropriate, my daughter doesn’t know. Therefore, a judge wouldn’t deem my job as inappropriate.

When this guy came into my chat room on Myfreecams and commented about my poor child, I felt insecure. I usually cam during the day while she is at school, but occassionally, if i’m in the mood, I come on in the evening. This was one of those evenings. I thought about how she was tucked up in bed fast asleep, and I questioned myself. Then I realised that if I had a husband, I would be going to bed with him at night and having sex (every night, of course). It wouldn’t be appropriate for a child to know about two adults having sex in the other room, any more then it would be appropriate for a child to know that their mother is masturbating in the other room in-front of a lap top. I think it is a good comparison. I keep sex a secret from my child just like every other parent does. Other parents have sex. I masturbate. I keep the door locked.

I’m not sleeping around with lots of different men, and i’m not going out and partying all night all the time. I just masturbate in my bedroom on my own. I let people watch on the internet. I make an income. I have a vagina just like 50% of the population of the world, and I enjoy rubbing it. It’s our culture which makes is so taboo, but its not wrong.

I had a moment of insecurity, but I’ve picked myself up. I’m a good mum.

Oh I made a new video. It’s really dirty. ;)

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E-mails From a Fan

I have decided to take this opportunity to share with you an example of some of the e-mails that I receive through MyfreeCams. Like with any job, there are ups and downs, and sometimes it can be really tough. The man who wrote these emails forgot that MFC is, for the most part, a one way screen. I am on camera with hundreds of people watching me. I have no idea who he is. I’ve decided not to name him publicly, because I feel sad for him, and I don’t think it would be fair.

I want to be your personal toilet. We can make a video of it and you can sell it.

I replied that I wasn’t really that keen, But thanks for the offer.

sorry, so where are you located or would you like to come here (USA) and see some sites while you are here ? We can make a video (series) to sell on c4s and you can keep the money. I just want to do it once and have decided I would like her to be you. You are pretty darn sexy anyway I look at you… mmmm nice

YOU are without a doubt the most INCREDIBLY BEAUTIFUL WOMAN I have ever had the pleasure in meeting and talking to. If you were to come here, everything I have would be yours too. Like I said I would give you my life. I have no legacy behind me, an older brother and sister, 2 nieces, a few cousins (never see). So what I have is yours as well. I want you to have a happy and grateful life to raise your sweet daughter. There is University just north of here where you both could go to school eventually or whenever. The ocean / beach is 10 mins away and it is God’s Country around here. Sometimes you can hear the spirits speak above the trees. Sweetheart, please consider pleasant thoughts of what could be. Let us begin to know each other. I want to FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU FOREVER !

afterall I am Irish and English was born May 14th, 1957. I am also a Taurus and very true to character. I am loyal, honest, respectful and kind. I am a lover by nature and at my best when in love with a BEAUTIFUL WOMAN (in my eyes)… I wish to communicate with you about a possible future with lots of love, happiness and laughter. Your daughter is like no one else in your life. She is you, conceived inside and born part of you. Will you teach her how to use men for their money like you ? I understand why you do, dont take me wrong, I would do the same. However ! I want you to know that I already know how you make me feel, like never before if and when we come together… It starts with a soft kiss to the cheek, a smile and a simple hello…I am an Army Brat, born in Texas, grew up on the East Coast (New England) lived in Arizona for over 30 yrs, moved back to NE to assist and care for my elderly mother who was then 93 until she passed in March of 2012. Now I live in the country (Seacoast Region) of Southern New Hampshire. There is lots more to us both (+1) if you care to share. I am also ***** at the yahoey thing as well. Oh well its a start…. OH and btw my name is ***** and I am pleased / thrilled to meet your acquaintance !

Dearest HazelX, (wish I knew your real name and would never say it in public unless it was ok with you), I just want you to know how I feel. I am very attracted to you for some reason.and I dont know exactly why yet. The one thing I wish the most for you and your daughter is lots of love and happiness. If you told me to stay away I will even if it made me very sad. I am not a bad or mean person. I am full of the love my family has instilled in me always and forever. I understand we know nothing about each other at this point and if I have been truthful with you in the past. The facts are I am very honest and do not believe in being deceitful in any way. I recently was awarded the benefits I earned when I worked before I became disabled. I am however not dead and quite capable most the time, just in shorter spurts. I am looking for my last love, with or without children and I am thinking one is so sweet ! I will send you a link to a personal ad I have put on Craigs List

http://maine.craigslist.org/*******

Hazel (?) I truly hope you will consider all that I have said and let me know (at least reply) how you feel. Thank you for reading, hope all is well with you and yours…

http://nh.craigslist.org/********

and one other

there is this quaint New England United Methodist Church that I want to attend right down the street… I would be honored to attend this church with you and your daughter as long as I live…. :-)

To which I replied “Please stop. MFC is not a dating agency, and you are a complete stranger to me. I do this to make an income, NOT to find a partner. Thank you”

I know this was a harsh message, but I felt that I needed to leave no gap for him to think that there would be any romantic opportunity.

I am sad today because you want me to stop. I wanted to get to know you and help you become a respectful woman who’s main purpose in life is to raise your daughter with dignity and respect. I guess you will always remain what is hard for me to say, a cam whore. I wish you the best… I’m gone !

Happy Valentine’s Day to you too… You will one day regret letting someone who offered you (possibly) a better life for you and your daughter. You should keep my mail and re-read them often, especially the one where I tell you who I am. We all know who and what you are. Take Care of yourself and daughter.

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